Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”