Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
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Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Think I pulled my liver
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Stonehinge
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient