Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dugglebutt

I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

@TheTalkingPipe

Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.

@LinajkReturns

Don’t you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?

@StinkyGr33n

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

@MarkBuckawicki

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

@Bob_Janke

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@MitchellBader

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

@Book_Krazy

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

@WilliamAder

I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.