I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Don’t you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.