Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

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I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.


Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.


Don’t you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?


I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again


[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?


I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.


New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @