Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Whoa 😂
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know