Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I beg your pardon?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
You better wish for more oil
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.