Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
accurate
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Stop.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you