Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I enjoy a good short stor
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane