Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what