Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Were there this many idiots before the Internet?
Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don’t know karate 3) Rob them
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me: i hoped he was cake
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.