@thedad

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

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@MissGinaDarling

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

@mack44_d

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

@UncleDuke1969

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

@meganamram

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

@ItsMeAshleyWee

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

@ConanOBrien

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

@BlindChow

*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what

@farouq_yahaya

Once upon a time, there was a monarch who was 13 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler

@GretchenVB

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*