Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
You Might Also Like
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.