@thedad: Welcome to parenthood. You're about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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@Home_Halfway: HER: I like talking during sex, but I can't stand it when you narrate the whole thing ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
@Moochava: Yearly reminder: unless you're over 60, you weren't promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
@aveuaskew: "Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It's just air!" Exactly "What?" It's inflation "I hate you"