Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

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Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.


Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’


The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.


Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.


If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.


A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.


*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what


Once upon a time, there was a monarch who was 13 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler


*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*