Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]