Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

*pronounces patio like ratio

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)