Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”