Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
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PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas