Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
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A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
#IWishIHadNever noticed
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.