Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now