Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier: