Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
🤣😂🤣😂
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”