Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*