Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

Phonetics