Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
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Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
how to market bottled water to dads
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say