Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
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My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Fruity
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.