Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Dead sexy!!
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant