Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you