Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
every college guy’s fridge
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
We will use anything but the metric system
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials