Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.