Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.