Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Them: Is your cat friendly?

My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?

Me: No

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

How tf did it end up there?

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.