Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

Ah yes. The three genders

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*