Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.