Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
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[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
💀😭
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*