Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
You Might Also Like
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
We made a comic about a space heater.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣