That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Don’t touch that.