Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now