Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
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[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Canada has crack?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
*has no idea what a book even is*