@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

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@MarfSalvador

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

@YourMomsucksTho

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

@KolbyEatWorld

Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.

@samalmightysam

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

@SpencerLenox

I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

@TheEllenShow

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

@Donna_McCoy

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

@clichedout

friend: how do u meet girls

me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home

friend:

me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit

friend: haha clever

me: then ask if her grandma is single

@UnFitz

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy