me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
friend: how do u meet girls
me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home
me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit
friend: haha clever
me: then ask if her grandma is single
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy