Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
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“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
why I oughta
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it