Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
i baked you a cake
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
everyone’s a critic
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.