Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
step 6: release the wall snake
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Basketball
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?