Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here