Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.