Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

spot the difference

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.