Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY