Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.