Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

Pizza is an emotion right?

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.