Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

edward fingerhands

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids