Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

This is no longer winter this is harassment

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.