It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
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Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Finally! 😈
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.