@hippieswordfish

‘welcome to subway how can i-‘

ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID

‘sir-‘

M: IS IT HIS PISS

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@Cpt_Burnout

“It’s always Russia somewhere” I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.

@Doh573

Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.

@cbdoubleu

Her: I like risk takers

Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]

@Twtercide

6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!

Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.

6 yo: Oh

@elle91

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

@dire_beard

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

@mrjohndarby

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

@abysmalkittybee

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

@FeverFlave

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

@KLC47

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.