Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

More like Kate Missington.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Skills

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball