In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.