“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
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[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Monday
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring