“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.