@10InchesPlus

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

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@chuuew

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

@sixfootcandy

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

@EBenita0517

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

@RdrJay47

[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table

@Social_Mime

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

@SardonicTart

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

@fro_vo

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa