Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations