Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Like sleeping!

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed