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Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Dear Lord..
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
The days of good grammer has went
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.