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Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
there are two kinds of people:
those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical bandand they marry each other
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Tuesday
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice