Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

*has no idea what a book even is*

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.