Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing