WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
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[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty