WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Alexa, make me look good naked.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕