Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW