“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
