Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

Somewhere in an alternate universe

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!