Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

me logging onto twitter

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

ㅤㅤ

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots