Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
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my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Thoughts
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Yes my dude
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.