Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

🤭😂

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?