Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones