Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

You had me at “define legal”.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Storm Tropical Storm

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.