Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Good Morning.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores