Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

How do I get a job writing these texts

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.