Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders