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When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
(by @ZachWeiner )
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Oh yeah that’s it
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”